Enough

On Wednesday night, I decided that I'd had enough. Enough with nursing in the middle of the night. That's right...just a week away from her first birthday, and my Anna would still nurse at least once, but usually two or even three times a night.

I know, I know. I'm just not really a "cry it out" kind of mom...I've tried to be, but I just can't stand to hear my babies cry!

It never felt like *that* big of a deal to stumble into Anna's room, nurse her (and usually fall asleep, myself, in the rocker), with her sweet little body wrapped around mine. It was our private, middle of the night snuggle time. Some nights I would find myself just staring into her dark eyes, smiling at the precious gift that is my daughter.

But mostly, I did it because it was easier to get up a few times during the night than it was to sleep with Anna crying...which would usually turn into Adele crying, too. And I tried not to complain *too* much...because I knew that the blame was truly mine for allowing this night waking habit to continue for so long!

Every now and again, Anna would sleep through the night all on her own. Usually, the next night would be a terrible one, but then the following night would be great-she might even sleep through the night again. But then something, a visitor, a vacation, a new tooth, or a cold...something would come up, and then it would be two or even three weeks before she'd sleep through the night again.

I would always feel like I was really "ready" to let her cry it out during the night just in time for company to come visit...and that's just plain wrong. (Although, I have a feeling that most of our guests would be much less disrupted by Anna's all night crying than I am...)

But this Wednesday, as Anna stood screaming in her crib, I decided that enough was enough. I had visions of going off to college (or at least kindergarten) with her so that she could snack all night long, and I decided that it was time to cut her off...and it was up to me to do it.

We'd had a babysitter, and although Anna was asleep when we left for the evening, she was awake when we returned. I'm not exactly sure, but I decided not to nurse her back to sleep. I took her away from the babysitter, snuggled her, and placed her back in her crib. She cried and cried, stood up and cried some more, but I went downstairs and didn't give her a second thought. She just wanted a playmate (which our babysitter had been happy to play the part of!) but playtime was over! She eventually went back to sleep. I honestly have no idea how long she cried for. When I went upstairs an hour later to brush my teeth, she woke up and started crying again. I brushed my teeth *extra* carefully, and let the water run while I brushed so that I would be able to ignore her cries a bit longer. It worked, when I climbed into bed to read, she was quiet.

Around 3:00 AM, she woke up again. While I hadn't exactly gone to bed thinking that I was done nursing in the middle of the night, I decided that I'd already let her cry herself back to sleep twice, why not give her a third time. In my head, I did a little math. No visitors coming for another week or so, tomorrow was Thursday, I had no plans for the day, so *if* I was up until 6 listening to Anna scream, I could probably take a nap at some point during the day. And then, if she was up all night on Thursday night, I could nap again while Adele was at preschool on Friday morning, and then it was the weekend-Daddy would be here to help out if I was completely sleep deprived.

I decided that as long as Adele stayed asleep, I was going to stay in bed. (When Adele wakes up in the middle of the night, it's not pretty...but when she wakes up because of Anna it's not too hard to get Adele to fall back to sleep as long as I quiet Anna down quickly)

And so, I let her cry. And cry she did! She cried until about 4:30. Now, to be fair, I DID go into her room to try and soothe her a couple of times. I just made sure to let her know that "the goods" were off duty, and she wanted nothing to do with me...she didn't want to snuggle, or gaze into my eyes at all. Feeling like she might be making herself hungry, or at least thirsty from all of her crying, I gave her some water out of a sippy cup, which she promptly spit out. What this girl wanted was a pacifier...unfortunately, she only took the human kind.

I can't remember for sure now, but I think it was some time between 6 and 7 that she woke up for the day. Of course, I nursed her right away, but she didn't act like she'd been deprived or anything. She did nurse longer than usual, but hey, I'm all about the lazy, early morning, still-half-asleep snuggles!

I was slightly worried going to bed on Thursday night, but Anna didn't fuss until 4:30, and if she cried long, I fell back asleep while she did.

Friday night she slept through the night without a peep.

We've never had 3 nights in a row before!

As I sit here proofreading, my Anna has woken up and is talking to herself. I am confident that I have not jinxed myself, though, because no matter what happens tonight, I know that I will not be stumbling down the dark hallway and collapsing into the rocking chair to snuggle (and pacify) my sleepyhead.